I held an intervention today. It was interesting, but not exactly what I wanted to happen. I have a student whose behavior has gone from exceptional to just plain evil and downright mean, and it happened pretty much overnight. He has been frustrating all of his teachers for a little while now, more so than most students. His attitude has become more than terrible, and he curses out his teachers on a regular basis. He's never cursed me out (that I can remember), but he knows it won't bother me (or at least I won't let him know that), so he goes deep. He tells me I have a fat baby or ugly hands, and tries to hurt my feelings. He's just downright mean, and he is one of the rare students who actually gets under your skin with his behavior and comments, whereas most of them we just ignore. So anyway, I held a big meeting to discuss his problems, and I was shocked to see how many people care about him and came out to work it out. It was great. I won't say that my goal was really the focus after guidance brought in their own issues and kept turning the focus to that. I'm really happy, though, that we could all sit down and let him see how many people care about him succeeding and support him. After the meeting I talked to him, and he said he said all the things we wanted to hear to get us to leave him alone. That's really discouraging. I know him, and I know that he is not going to let on that he was moved, and I don't blame him, b/c I wouldn't either. However, I wasn't really convinced by his answers (b/c I do know him), and did feel like he was placating us. I really want to see him do well, for my own reasons and for him. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I'll be sure to mention it again later if he does or doesn't start doing better. I'm just a little frustrated that the meeting was changed to focus more on the goals of guidance. I really wanted to address his behavior, and get that fixed before anything. We can move on to their deal once he can prove that he's got self-control. Of course, I don't have the assertiveness I need to have turned the focus around, so it went their way. For that matter, a few times I was shot down when I tried to talk about my issue that I called the meeting for. But that's okay, I don't think the problem really got solved, but I am just really happy to see so many people came to work to help him. I will have a chance to talk to him later one-on-one, and we will hopefully get him back on track. Now that he kind of sees the consequences of his behavior, and how many people are affected, I hope it will open his eyes. And, that was the highlight of my day. Well, except that Trey left me a cute little picture this morning with a sweet note on it. That was a nice way to start the day!

So I feel like my meeting today was a bit political feeling, although it had nothing to do with politics. I kinda see now how stuff gets passed and stuff that really only benefit certain people. If you want to get your point across, you must have a strong person (or group) on your side. It's sad to me, though, that education has anything to do with politics, but I might as well accept it, eh. So, did anybody watch the debate tonight? If so, what did you think? I personally refuse to, b/c I have enough to worry about in my life. Just wanted to know what you thought.

I have to admit...My days are NEVER boring! They may not be great, but they are never boring. I have a headache, they are so busy, and frustrating. The fun never ends at work, where I got five new students today! Yippee! Yes, this is to add to the other 44 I already had. I am now in second place for special ed students on rosters, only beaten by Doug with 50. I will surely surpass him within the week. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, my limit of students, supposedly, is 40, and that is with an over-full load. Each student I have I am supposed to serve one-on-one with his specific learning deficits and behavior problems. Mind you, this is hard to do with 8 kids in a class, much less more. Oh, and to top that, I don't have a planning period at all. And to top that, I must have meetings on about 3-5 students a week to make their IEP's and keep them up to date. For these I am supposed to test and evaluate them (in all my tons of spare time!), and many of them I have yet to meet. It's a fun job!

There was a light in my tunnel today. I went to pay my car taxes, which made me cry they were so high when I went to get the bill, and I had them take off for high mileage. It went from $500 to $383. Yes, it's sad that that could bring me so much joy, but I have never been so happy that I have put so many miles on my car! Hey, you look for the good things, right? Sometimes you just gotta look hard and kinda make stuff seem better.

If anyone out there knows of a teaching job in Columbia, SC for a special ed. teacher, please let me know. I am desperate, and I must leave this place soon, before I lose it. My head really hurts!

Hmmm, question...Is it more important to be bankrupt and happy, or struggling and miserable?

Today was a big day! For so many reasons! One, we cooked at school in my classes today, so of course, the kids were pretty well behaved. That makes for a nicer attitude come the end of the day. Second, we will be ON THE COVER OF THE NEXT REAL ESTATE BOOK in Lancaster! Yes, that's not that big a deal, I'm sure, but I am SUPER excited! I know that can't hurt in getting our house sold! I love Tim and Kim (our real estate agents)!!!

Okay, but here's the BIG news...TJ GOT HIS FIRST HAIRCUT!!! Oh, my baby is growing up! You should have seen him. He was SO good! He sat quietly and let Angela (his new barber) cut away at his beautiful red hair. I truly thought that he would freak out and cry, or wiggle, or something. But no, he just sat there with this look like, "I don't know this woman, and I don't know that I trust those sharp things that make my hair fall off, but there's Mommy and Daddy. So until they leave, I'll take it like a man." You have to look at his pictures in my fun pics section...he looks like such a little man now! He'll be going off to college next week!

Oh, and we went to Chuck E. Cheese last night. It was fun. I got addicted to this stupid game where you waste tokens to try to knock other tokens down for tickets. Sadly, I got TJ addicted to it, too. We wasted SO many tokens! Got a lot of tickets, though, so we could get TJ some worthless crap! Oh, but we took him to where the little mechanical band was "playing", and he loved the lights. Then he started getting into the song, and he was boogeying down! I wish I had thought to bring a camera. Now I understand why people have ten kids! I decided to have one every 3 years until I hit 10. Then we'll stop. Wow, so that would put about 30 years b/t TJ and the baby, right? Hmmmm, so that would mean that I would be having kids till I was 55? Okay, so maybe we'll stop at 2, or perhaps 3 if we get adventuresome! Oh, but they're so much fun!

My question for you, whether you choose to answer it or not...What is your favorite memory of your child (or any child, if you haven't got your own)?

This is my second favorite day of the week. I feel good on Sundays. I like going to church. I wish I hadn't avoided it and been an evil person up till now. It's fun. I like going and hearing the scripture read, and then hearing the pastor talk about it and teach me a lesson. I also like talking to God, and telling Him how very cool he is. He rocks! I get so much life planning done in there. Now if only I can just get myself to follow through, which seems to be my problem. Plus, TJ is getting more and more used to going there, and he has more fun every week. Today he even said "Bye-bye" to the nursery worker as I came to get him (which is a big deal, b/c he usually won't say bye till ten minutes later!). Usually he's fine until I get there, then he gets mad when I come so I know he's not cool with me leaving him. Today, though, he saw me and was like, "Oh, hey," and just waited till I could get him. It was cool! He even said, "Bye-bye church play." Okay, so he only sees church as playtime right now, but that's fine. That's what it is to him. I can't wait till he's older so he can do all the fun stuff the older kids do.

There have been many people asking me to join the choir. I know I am a terrible singer, I think, but I think it would be fun. I know it's just b/c they want more people, but I thought to myself as I was asked again today, "Maybe they've heard me singing and think I'm good. Maybe I should give it a try." So I sang louder today. I think I'll pass, though, b/c I'm not good with that sort of thing, and I'd be self-conscious the whole time. Lord knows the choir member that took the day off and sat behind me wasn't self-conscious, though! He sang so loud! I do want to do something with the church, though. Oh, and I didn't see Ruth today. It made me kinda sad. I wonder where she was?

OH! I told the pastor that I would like to join the church on November 14th. I didn't get to talk to him about it yet (he was just a little busy!), but if he's cool with it, then that will be the day that TJ gets baptized. I want everyone who can come to be there, so be looking out for your invite, and if you can, try to set that day aside.

Lastly, I decided at church today that I'm not going to be mad at people anymore. I don't know what their circumstances are, so I will not judge them. I won't necessarily like what they do, but it's their lives. Even when their decisions affect me, I will just try to keep a positive attitude and make it work for myself. This is a lofty goal, and one I'm sure will take a while to master, but I am really going to try. We learned about the rich man and Lazarus, and I'm not sure how, but this is what I learned from it....Oh, and not to hoard my wealth (which I have none of!).

Question, what is your favorite day of the week, and why?

I so look forward to Saturdays. For many reasons, of course, but mostly for one. Saturday is the day that I have time to take TJ to the playground and just do what he wants. Like, sometimes I can take him on Mondays (well, not anymore, with work), and every once in a while on Sundays, but I always do my best to set aside time on Saturdays to take him. When we hit the parking lot, which is nowhere in sight of the actual playground, he says, "Play? We play? Play now?" I like that he knows it. I also like that we've been going to church regularly on Sundays now, and when we drive into that parking lot he knows, too. Of course, I know this b/c he starts to cry, but that's only b/c he knows I'm going to leave him in the nursery to play. He's always happy within 2-3 min., though. And there is this really sweet old lady named Ruth that always sits with me. I look forward to it. Last week she was running late, I guess, and someone else sat next to me, and it just wasn't the same. She sat behind me though! I think I like sitting next to her b/c A: she talks to me and is so nice, and B: she doesn't seem to mind that I move constantly, and bounce around the entire time we stand to sing. I don't know why. I just can't stay still, ever. Even at work I try to just sit down at my desk and work, and within minutes I find a reason to get up and find something or check on someone. It's a curse, I tell you.

I do believe I really bounced around there. Oh well. I am just happy, and sad. Happy that I got to take TJ to the playground and just have fun with him. Sad that it's over again until next week. Of course, next week I'll be in S'ville, so I have to make it a point to still take him. I think I'll shoot for the one near Gahagan. Nifty park! I love TJ! He is so fun! Oh, and Trey was there, too. That's also nice. I think he likes it, too, even though I drag him right after a long day at work! It's worth it, though.

Oh, my question...Anyone who has or knows any kids, have you ever met a kid who's COMPLETELY obsessed with something? I say this b/c TJ is totally obsessed with lights...he finds them EVERYWHERE, and we have to sit and look at them. Not my idea of fun, but very much his. I think it's strange, but I wonder if it's not just normal toddler behavior. Any thoughts?

I hope this makes you laugh as much as it did me! Like, what is that look, exactly? Check out some of TJ's first time using the camera on my new album, TJ's Saturday...

So it's finally Friday. Well, to be honest, it will be Saturday soon for me. I am online right now, b/c I am looking for another job. Yes, I am. I am fed up. The thought of finding another job actually scares and saddens me, b/c I would hate to leave my students. Although they leave me quite regularly when they get parolled, I am sad everytime I lose one. Unfortunately, there's always someone, or someones to replace the lost one. I can't begin to go into why I am fed up, but I do not like the politics of SCDJJ at all.

On a happier note, I started as a faculty sponsor of the 4H club today. That was fun! We are planning a chili cook-off to raise money, and it was my idea! We also visited the butterfly garden they planted last school year (I wasn't involved then). It's pretty cool, if you like plants and stuff. They have basil growing there, and Louisa said we could eat it, so me and one of the boys ate a leaf. Just for your sake, it's not worth it. Kinda, as Richard put it, refreshing. I say it was stingy and icky, though. I do love to season with basil, though. It smelled so nice, too.

Oh, and one of my students today asked me if I'm ADHD. I had to admit to him that I don't know for sure, but lately I've convinced myself that I really am. I am just trying to get the time to set up an appt. with a dr. to find out for sure. It struck me that he asked, though, so I asked him why. He said b/c he is, and b/c I like him. He is very strange, but if you know me, I'm not one who can talk. I think he's amusing. It's kinda sad, though, b/c he is different, and since he's entered the DJJ system, he's tried to commit suicide three times I think. I'll be honest, just knowing stuff like that makes my heart bleed to try to help, but also makes me think I can't do this job much longer. I have way too much compassion for these boys. I've been led to understand that if I want to be successful at DJJ, I must become numb. I can't do that. Oh, but he is so great! He said, "I am different. I like that. I'm unique, but I know that I'm not just like him, or him (as he pointed to the other two boys in the room at the time), and I'm always myself." I tell you, I could have cried right then. He lives by my motto. It just makes me so sad that that will further make his life hard in jail. It's not so cool to be yourself there. I swear, if he was ten years older, not in jail, and lived in Columbia, I would SO be his friend! We would be great friends!

Last word of business....I am NOT going to the birthday party tomorrow. Trey's mom will just have to be mad at me. I have decided that I do not get to spend enough time with TJ as it is, and Sat. are my TJ day. I plan to spend my entire day with him, doing fun stuff. I will not spend it driving for hours, hanging out with people I don't care at all for, and sharing our time with others. If that's stingy of me, then so-be-it. I don't have any questions. My brain has already fallen asleep. Goodnight.

I don't know, the song was just running through my head...

So, I got a new job today. About half an hour after school let out today, they asked me if I wanted to teach math in the after school program. I said I could work it out. Then ten seconds later, she goes, "So, do you have a lesson?" "Uhhh, yeah, actually I carry math lessons in my back pocket!" Some people never cease to amaze me!

So anyway, I got this job, from 5:30-8:30 MWTH. That's a long time! I thought it would be fun, and, don't get me wrong, it was. However, these kids go to school for seven hours a day, where we try to get them to sit still and quietly and do work that most of them can't handle to begin with (for so many reasons, including that most of them weren't going to school for years until we forced it on them once they came to jail). Then, they go back to their dorms for a couple hours, eat, and come back to school. I don't even make my students sit all class period or be quiet during the regular school day. After two and a half hours in the after-school thing, the kids started to get a little rowdy. I admit that they were somewhat loud, and I probably should have just shut the door, but I had no problem with it. I don't see why any person, especially a teenager, should have to be still and quiet for 10+ hours a day, much less be at school. Of course, when they started to get a little loud (and yes, I had lost them by this point, but I wasn't exactly all there, either!), security comes in and starts "getting big chested" with the students and coming down on them. I really hate that, b/c unless I ask for help, I don't want help in my classroom. Those JCO's (Junior Corrections Officers) didn't know...I could have been having a lesson on noise and its affects, or something. Very frustrating!

Needless to say, albeit I am very tired, I am glad they hired me. I had a lot of fun, and it was fun to just get to do what I want to do with some new people, without the boss saying anything. I am such a nerd....I love to teach! I know that I won't save anyone, and I probably won't even be remembered by most. I just know that there are a couple of students out there that may learn one thing from me, and b/c of that, their lives will be better. Isn't that a great feeling? I wish everyone would set out more often to improve the lives of other people. Imagine how the world would be then...

I woke up this morning convinced it was Thursday. I walked around all day up until lunch time thinking it was Thurs. At this point, I realized it was only Wednesday, and that sucked! Don't get me wrong, Wed. are good. We only have students half the day on Wed., but that meant that I still have Thurs. to get though (again, in my mind!). Igh!

I've learned that the people you hang out with can really affect how you see the world around you. I have a little clique at school that I eat lunch with on occasion. We have little bitch sessions where we complain about anything and everything, and believe me, we never have a quiet moment! I think that puts my mind in that state. Today, my boss won an award of employee recognition. I can honestly say that if ever there were a person whom I think deserves an award the least in my school, it would be her. LONG story. Ordinarily, I would be upset by this, and think it to be ridiculous. However, the awards ceremony was right after my "power lunch" with my buddies, and I'm finding myself a bit more than upset about it. It makes me want to find a new job kind of upset. To my defense, though, I think I am handling it quite well, much better than last week, even. I think had this happened last week, I would have gone off, started yelling, and gotten a really bad headache that would last for days. Today, though, I have forced myself to think, and realize that I have no control over this. I can't save the world from stupid people, and as long as I am not hurt in the process of her winning a bogus award, than I will be okay. The result is that I only have a minor headache, and I have not screamed one single time. I have come to the conclusion, though, that her winning this award could be a good thing. She now has that, plus all the other things that her wonderful employees have done that she gets credit for, to put on her resume. I figure since she can't handle the job, she won't want to be there for long. She will be able to move up much more quickly if she wins all of these wonderful accolades. So, let her rake them in. For that matter, perhaps I will even nominate her for something. She's aware of the fact that most of us know she's a joke, so perhaps it's only a matter of time.

Yaaaaa for me that I have come so far in suppressing my anger.

Okay, as I feel I have decided that I will ask a question everyday, even though few care, here is today's: Do you think my assumption that my boss will leave sooner if she keeps winning things is dumb?

Yep, yep...it's Julia's birthday! She's old like me now. Stay out of the way of us old fogeys....we tend to get cranky if we have to do more walking than is necessary. We'll make sure to tell you all about our hemorrhoids if we do. I remember the first time I heard about someone's hemorrhoids...I still have nightmares!

So why would someone want to talk openly about that stuff? I'm not at that point yet where I have all my ailments, but I know that when I start falling apart I won't want to tell everyone about the gross stuff that happens to me. It was hard enough having a baby and knowing there were people who were being forced to see the grossness of a baby coming out of me. That's not to say that he's not the most beautiful being that ever walked the earth, but he wasn't pretty for that first few minutes. Kinda reminded me of Poltergeist when the little girl fell out of the ceiling with her mom. Gooey and icky! I can't imagine myself going on about my butt sores and calouses. Am I wrong? Could somebody set me straight? Is this something that will just happen as I get older, and it won't even seem strange to me? Are there older people out there that don't talk about their personal problems? Am I being just totally vulgar and rude? Someone tell me! Julia, now that you're old, (hee hee hee!), do you feel the urge to tell people about your aches and pains while out in public, upon first meeting them? Just wondering...

Where is my mind right now?......

I am trying desperately hard to overcome my anger issues. Overall I feel like I did good today. Well, until we were at Wal-Mart fighting to get an oil change, and Trey started giving me the third degree about something...I don't know what...and I just wanted him to SHUT UP! He didn't seem to get it. He never does. Then he wonders why I snap at him. Hmmm....???

So here's my new dilemma. I know I briefly mentioned how very angry I am that my brother-in-law and his wife (***), well, exist. It would take a long time to explain and make you fully understand. Just know that they are stupid people that I fully detest. To be totally honest, I could care less that they walk the earth, and I would not become angry at them for their actions or even care, except for one thing, soon to be two. They have an absolutely beautiful and sweet little girl (who's turning 1 this month), and now they have stupidly gone and gotten pregnant again. They do not raise their child, and think only of themselves. I could go on, but I won't....Anyway, I do not like them. So much so that I have decided that we will boycott Christmas day and Thanksgiving day at Trey's parents' house. We can do it the day before, or whatever, but not any time that they will be there. I would just prefer to stay away from them. I'm sure they wouldn't mind. That way I won't be forced to say what I think. It's at that point.

Here's my problem...KK (Their daughter, my nickname) is having her first birthday party this Saturday. I don't want to go. Nothing would please me more than to spend my Saturday doing anything else than wasting it with my brother-in-law's new family. I don't care much for them, either. However, I do love KK, and I want to be there for her. I remember how happy I was when people came to TJ's first b-day party. I know she won't care either way. Also, I'm pretty sure that Trey's mom would want me to come so she wouldn't have to be alone with the other family. What should I do? I don't want to go. My morals say I should. God might get a little upset at me if I don't go, but then maybe he will understand how I feel. Help me! Please advise, as your comments will mean more than you can know.

Just wanted to see if Trey is reading my blog. Thought this one would piss him off real nice like! 

I just want to make a correction to yesterday's post. I said "my sister and brother-in-law", but what I meant was "my brother-in-law and his wife". I hate the whole relationship thing! I will never understand it all!

Such a serious child...I think he has anger issues, too... 

Okay, so Trey and I went to see an old friend Mike last night, whom we haven't seen in a long while. I like Mike, b/c we have a lot in common, and at the same time, we can debate on so many topics (and only get mildly irritated by each other!). He's like a little brother to me, who happens to be older!

So anyway, we were talking about all kinds of issues, and it turned into a therapy session or something where Trey and Mike told me what's wrong with me. The major difference? They only said what's wrong, but not how to fix it. So now I need some help. It appears that I have deep rooted anger issues, and I have a problem with holding on to anger and letting it negatively affect my life. A lot of the anger I feel is about stuff that actually has nothing to do with me, and that I have absolutely no control over. Case in point, I get really mad that I can't make everything at work run the way it's supposed to (office politics kind of stuff). I also get really mad that parents are so horrible and let their kids end up where I teach and in my special ed. class (not all, mind you, but most). Then there's my sister and brother-in-law. They are TERRIBLE parents who have pawned their beautiful baby on her grandparents to raise, and there is a whole story that goes with it, and now they are pregnant again. I am severely angered by this. Then there's the stupidity of people who are in charge of taking your money, and having to deal with them on a daily basis b/c of their ignorance. That also makes me mad....I could go on for days about this. Needless to say, I can not fix ANY of these problems....but they still make me angry beyond belief.

I don't get it. I used to be a very happy-go-lucky person that let things roll off my back...or so I thought. I don't know why I've changed. The point of all of my going on is this: I realize I have a problem releasing my anger and letting it go. I can accept this. However, I have no idea how to do it. Anybody out there have any clue as to how this could be done?

FINALLY! Friday has come, and I am done with work for two whole days! Okay, yeah, so that's just sad. It's depressing that I get that excited about two days of my life. Oh well. No real thought provoking questions to raise today. I asked my kids what they thought Hurricane Jeanne would do (I made them write a paragraph...They all said, "Can't we just tell you?" Nope, mean ol' Mrs. Pitchford wants to see you write! Ha ha ha!), and they all said they thought it would destroy the earth and everyone in it. In case you are unaware, I teach special ed. at a juvenile detention center, so yes, my kids often wish that something would destroy the world. I can honestly say that I don't blame them. It is a sad and depressing place there. I do my best to make it better for them and encourage them, but I really feel for them. They come from bad homes (many times when they are finally parolled, some kids have to stay at DJJ b/c there is no one who will take them. A lot of times their parents move and don't tell anyone where they've moved to. So sad.), they only know bad people, and then they commit a crime (or two or three...) and are sent to a terrible place where they are routinely strip-searched, live in a dorm with tons of other boys, have to wear an icky uniform, and see some very dreadful things. It's bad, and to top that, they all have to be "men". Being a man must be very hard. Okay, here's my question of the day: I've come to the conclusion that being a man in today's world is very hard, b/c they have to live up to certain standards and follow certain rules. Any thoughts on this?

What a little handyman! 

Here's TJ making his bookshelf for his new "Reading Nook" 

That's right. Just one more day and it will finally be Friday. Of course, before that can be a cool thing I have to make it through Friday, eh? So yesterday I was looking through this thing, and I was reading other blogs. I read this one where a guy had put that he thought guns should be banned, and boy did he get a lot of comments from angry people. As I went to write my comment and tell him that I agree with him that guns should be banned, my viewpoint changed. I think guns are bad, terrible things that never should have been invented. I wish they would just all of a sudden disappear off of the face of the earth, along with some other unsavory items in the world. However, to ban them would be absolutely preposterous! (sp?) That would be in direct violation of our freedom and what our country was founded on. That would be like saying that coffee is bad for you because it makes you hyper, and some people abuse it (like myself), so it must be banned. Not only would that force me to become a law-breaking citizen, but it would also go against the basic principle that our nation was made on, that being freedom, and would essentially defeat the purpose of the war which we are currently fighting. If someone can say that they don't like something in this country and have it banned from everyone, then who's to stop everything from being banned? Some people don't drive cars because their emissions are bad for the ozone and our air. Imagine if they banned cars then.

I hate guns. I also hate liver. I think liver is bad for you because it gives you traumatic memories later in life of your mom forcing you to eat it, and tricking you into eating it by calling it "Steak with an L". Alcohol abuse has ruined my family and is proven to be one of the biggest killers in our nation, from drunk drivers to alcohol poison. We all know what happened when they tried to ban alcohol, though.

Any thoughts?

Am I a happy kid or what! 

Hmmm, so my friend, Julia, sends me this email that says she just started a blog. I say to myself, "What's a blog?" So I go to it, and I read all about her life for the past week. I say to myself, "Wow, how interesting. This looks therapeutic." So I see this little button that says I can start my own, and viola! Here it is. I'm going to have to look at other people's blogs to find out what I am supposed to be putting on here exactly, but it seems like a fun idea. Plus, I can put pictures of my beautiful child on here, so that makes it all worth it! Oh, and I'm in a class right now where we learn how to make a website, so maybe this is a good first step. Perhaps I can find people to look at this who will be willing to comment and help me understand my life. Well, all these wonderful ideas and possibilities....I guess I should make it a point to try to write in it as often as possible.

My first question, if I am in a deep dark hole and sinking fast, and I turn to God and put it all in his hands, what do I do next? I can't say that He hasn't helped me, but I am still sinking, and my problems are still coming at me fast and furiously. It feels like a test that I am failing. Yes, a deep question, but I'm sure there are deep people out there, right?