Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Guilt?
Okay, so my dad died on Sunday. He had pneumonia that had been going on for a while, and that was on top of hip cancer, or something like that, that was eating up his bones and slowly killing him. In my opinion, after having seen him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, he was probably better off. I don't keep in touch much with him, but from what I heard, he's been doing a lot of suffering for a while now. That's certainly no way to live. Of course, I also know that he brought a lot of it on himself (this cancer was just one of many he had) through his wild and reckless living all these years.

Anyway, I have yet to, as my mom put it, "grieve", and seriously doubt that I will. Honestly, I think I was on the best terms with Daddy out of his four kids, but that's not saying much. I would go and see him on occasion, but for the most part, I kept my distance. I have a LOT of bitterness that I hold against him for many, many reasons that I don't care to go into. Let's just say that he was by far not the best dad, or even a good one at that. What's worse, though, is that I am not even as upset at him for his treatment of me as I am his treatment of his other children. He was bad to me. He very obviously cared very little for me, as well as his other three children, but he did seem to think of me as a smart girl, and openly said so (usually in front of another sibling while he was drunk, therefore putting me in an awkward situation).

For some reason, though, his actions didn't affect me like they did my older sister and little brother. My brother, although he keeps to himself for the most part, was really upset about Daddy's death, and has always been deeply affected by what he does. Daddy actually went to the trouble of trying to bond with him while he was a teenager, then abruptly left him high and dry to go pursue other lives he'd rather live. He also consistently shit on my sister at every venture, even though she has always been the most loyal and giving to him. She, too, was upset at the news of his passing, and espoused to me that she feels guilty. I can't imagine why she would, as she has always been the best daughter he could ever ask for, while he has been the worst father she could have been dealt. My older brother and I don't seem too upset over this news. Wesley has moved on with his life. I don't blame him.

So that brings this to me. I'm not sure how to feel. I mean, I know how I feel. Still bitter. I'm not upset that he died. I've tried to be. I feel like I should shed a tear or something. At least feel some level of sadness for a minute or something. Trey thinks it just hasn't settled in yet, but I really just think I don't care. I know he's dead. My life doesn't feel like it's missing anything, except maybe the twinge of guilt I'd feel every now and then that I never go to see him. Now I don't have to, so if anything, I'm actually relieved that he died.

Is that wrong? It seems wrong. I mean, like it or not, he was my dad. I got my brown eyes and moodiness from him. I got my extremely dry skin from him. There's a little curly-cue on the back of my head that I'm pretty sure came from him. I can't tell a joke or story w/o going on for days, that definitely came from him. Shouldn't that factor into my feelings and make me feel a little at a loss? Cause I don't. I feel a tiny bit guilty that I don't feel guilty, but only b/c I feel like I'm breaking some kind of social rule. Oh, I dunno. I don't guess I can make myself sad if I'm not. Siiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhh.........
 
posted by Christi at 1:42 PM | Permalink |


3 Comments:


  • At 3:43 PM, Blogger Julia

    Maybe you're already done grieving because in a way you lost him before he died.

     
  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger Christi

    Good point.

     
  • At 10:54 PM, Anonymous Jillian

    I agree. Can't grieve someone who wasn't there.