Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Lack of feeling...
So I was waiting patiently for the sadness of realizing my dad is dead to kick in and for a breakdown. It never came. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. I was going on each day thinking of all of the things about him that made me mad, and I would get myself worked up and angry. It wasn't helping anything, nor was it in any way therapeutic. So, just out of the blue, as I was driving along one morning on my paper route, I went to start thinking unhappy thoughts, and it hit me. I realized that he is gone. I will never see him again. I will never feel guilty for not being a perfect daughter to a man who didn't care. I will never go visit and have to put on an act of happy Christi who cares that her father knows her children. I will never have to ponder what my children should call him, b/c "Mommy's Daddy" just sounds stupid, but I refuse to call him "Paw-Paw". I will never call him a month after Christmas b/c I waited for him to call me to wish me a Merry Christmas, and he didn't, and I feel like I should at least apologize for not calling him. I will never feel awkward wondering what his wife thinks of me and says about me when I'm not around and she's turned her act off, too. I will never have to deal with any of that stuff again. I will never have to be mad at him for what he's done and the father he hasn't been. He's gone. Now, any anger I have would be directed at no one, nothing. It's the most wasteful anger I can imagine. It's officially over. 100% over. I no longer have a father to worry about my relationship with. It's not upsetting at all. It's actually cathartic. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have that breakdown I was waiting for, but I don't think so. Aside from someone mentioning his death here and there, and writing this, since the day I came to this realization I haven't even been able to make myself think of him anymore. I tried the next day to do it, have the angry thoughts, and I couldn't. My brain just said, "Nope, it's done," and it wouldn't go further. I had to think of something else. So, naturally, I brooded over my financial situation. You know, sometimes you just have to get your unhappy thoughts out!

So, it's over.

There's so much more I wanted to write about, but I can't for the life of me think of any of it right now. I'll try to write again tomorrow when my brain can focus a little better.
posted by Christi at 10:36 PM | Permalink | 2 comments