Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Lack of feeling...
So I was waiting patiently for the sadness of realizing my dad is dead to kick in and for a breakdown. It never came. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. I was going on each day thinking of all of the things about him that made me mad, and I would get myself worked up and angry. It wasn't helping anything, nor was it in any way therapeutic. So, just out of the blue, as I was driving along one morning on my paper route, I went to start thinking unhappy thoughts, and it hit me. I realized that he is gone. I will never see him again. I will never feel guilty for not being a perfect daughter to a man who didn't care. I will never go visit and have to put on an act of happy Christi who cares that her father knows her children. I will never have to ponder what my children should call him, b/c "Mommy's Daddy" just sounds stupid, but I refuse to call him "Paw-Paw". I will never call him a month after Christmas b/c I waited for him to call me to wish me a Merry Christmas, and he didn't, and I feel like I should at least apologize for not calling him. I will never feel awkward wondering what his wife thinks of me and says about me when I'm not around and she's turned her act off, too. I will never have to deal with any of that stuff again. I will never have to be mad at him for what he's done and the father he hasn't been. He's gone. Now, any anger I have would be directed at no one, nothing. It's the most wasteful anger I can imagine. It's officially over. 100% over. I no longer have a father to worry about my relationship with. It's not upsetting at all. It's actually cathartic. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have that breakdown I was waiting for, but I don't think so. Aside from someone mentioning his death here and there, and writing this, since the day I came to this realization I haven't even been able to make myself think of him anymore. I tried the next day to do it, have the angry thoughts, and I couldn't. My brain just said, "Nope, it's done," and it wouldn't go further. I had to think of something else. So, naturally, I brooded over my financial situation. You know, sometimes you just have to get your unhappy thoughts out!

So, it's over.

There's so much more I wanted to write about, but I can't for the life of me think of any of it right now. I'll try to write again tomorrow when my brain can focus a little better.
 
posted by Christi at 10:36 PM | Permalink |


2 Comments:


  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger Julia

    Yeah, it is what it is. All you can do is live your life and take the good you got from him, if any, and vow not to be like the bad parts.

     
  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger Tracee

    that does sound very cathartic. i'm glad you are able to see it that way. long time no speak, by the way! :)