Sunday, July 02, 2006
We went to church today at my old church that I joined by myself when I was in high school, St. Luke's Lutheran. It was great. My friend's dad, Pastor Blalock, was still there (although he retires at the end of July, drats!), and he remembered me and was happy to have me there. I was happy to be there! I recognized a lot of faces, which made me feel pretty good (at least some of my brain is still there!). Of course, there was one face I recognized that didn't make me feel, ummm, young. My band director has gone there forever, and when I was in high school he had a son that was a good bit younger than us, I'd guess upper elem. or lower middle schoolish. Today he was a guest preacher, as he is in his first year of Lutheran Seminary, and has just graduated from Clemson Univ.. Ummm, WHAT?!!! He was so...BIG, and, well, grown up! NO! NO! NO! I just know I was lots older than him. That simply isn't possible....right? Even his sister, who was, I swear, three or something when I was a teen, was all grown up. Then I show up with my two and a half kids and my grey about feeling like an old lady!

However, his sermon was superb. I was impressed. It was about Jesus performing miracles when he brought a little girl back to life and rid a woman of hemorrhages by her just touching his robe. Neat. Then he talked about how Jesus performs miracles in our lives everyday, just b/c we believe and have faith that He will. It was true. I was thinking about all the miracles He's performed in my life just lately. I even told my mom afterwards about how Jesus uses her and Bo so much to perform miracles in my life. I'm very lucky and blessed, I have to say. He then went on to point out how we have to pass on those miracles and help others. I'm lacking here, not for lack of want, but lack of energy and time. My hope is that I will someday get organized and finally be able to get to the helping others I so desperately want to do...

Which leads me to my next thought, which is where I feel conflicted. Okay, I know that staying at home with your kids and raising them right is a good thing. I know it's actually a lot of work w/o pay, and takes sacrifice and all that. I'm very, very well aware of why what I'm doing is right and good, which is why I continue to fight so hard to keep doing it. I want to. I need to. My kids need me to. Here's where my problem lies: Even though I know what I'm doing is good, and not at all a cop-out of work (although some would like to believe so), I don't feel that way. I feel like a loser. I wake up most days believing I'm giving nothing back to the world at all, like I'm accomplishing nothing with my life. Case in point, my friend, the pastor's son. He's off in the world getting married, getting his doctorate, and doing big scientific stuff that might cure cancer or something. He was always a bit on the brainy side in school, but I could have easily done that. Believe it or not, I was pretty doggone smart in school, too, and I didn't even have to try. Just imagine where I could have gone had I tried! I just look at these people off making these great strides, and I feel like I'm kinda wasting my life away. Sure, I have a degree or two, and hey, I did use them. I know I'm smart, and if I really wanted to, which I don't, I could go get a doctorate and end world hunger or something (maybe on a smaller scale, but...). Here's how I feel, like those people doing that, they are in a class all their own, b/c not just anyone can do what they do. Then there is where I am. Admittedly, not all moms are good moms, and I would like to think that I'm pretty good, maybe not the best, but that's alright. However, a middle school dropout that's high on pot all the time can do what I do, and possibly better. Whereas I think there should be school for mothering, there's not, and it takes no degree or verification at all that you are deserving of the position. All it takes to do what I do is a drunken one-night stand! So I tend to feel like I'm right there with all the losers a lot of the time. Trey doesn't do anything to make me feel this way, but sometimes I feel like people think he's better than me and smarter than me and more capable. "She has to stay home b/c she can't keep a job and she isn't smart enough to do anything well. He has to go out and make all the money b/c he's the only one who can succeed at anything." I know it's wrong. I know this when I take Taryn for her checkup, and they tell me she's not just doing well, she's doing fantastic, and when people look at what she can do and just comment in awe at how advanced she is for her age. I know this when I talk to other parents, and find out that TJ can do more many areas than other kids his age and older. I know I'm doing well. Yeah, sure it's them, not just me, but I can at least rest assured that I'm keeping them healthy and not holding them back. I know what I have chosen to do with my life is the right path. So why can't I just always feel that way? I just don't get it. Why must I always also feel like I'm a big, fat failure? I don't understand...

Well, that's more than enough for one day. I hope you all have a great day, and I'll talk to you later.
posted by Christi at 9:15 PM | Permalink |


  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger Christi

    Why must this mess up on me!!!

  • At 11:56 AM, Blogger Christi

    Okay, this should be working comment away!

  • At 12:42 PM, Blogger holy chaos

    Christi, did you get my other two comments?

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger gina

    christi!!!!!! take that dumb comment moderator off., please???

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger gina

    ok sorry. its off. LOL> i commented before. guess it is lost in blogland

  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger Julia

    Is it really lost forever? I had a nice long comment. The gist of it was that you are not a loser. You are one of the smartest people I know. When we were growing up in the 80's careerism was taught as the means to self fulfillment for girls, so it's ingrained in our heads. I elaborated on that, but I think you can see where I'm going.

  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger holy chaos

    I left TWO nice long comments. Julia is right about growing up in the 80's where careerism was engrained in us. You are definitely not a loser.

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger Carrie

    ug.. I left a good long comment as well. I KNEW I should have just e-mailed you!


    oh well; please try to remember that you reap what you sow, and all of your efforts now will come back upon you tenfold.

    also.. keep this in mind for those days when it seems like you're 'doing nothing'... after a farmer plants all of his seeds, does anyone say that he hasn't done any work?

    You are currently cultivating a garden of the future, my dear.. so PLEASE don't negate the work you do.

    I did offer some advice, though. I suggest keeping a journal in which you write down every good deed you do for someone, whether it's making dinner for a busy friend, watching a child so another mom can go food shopping alone.. whatever. I think that once you begin to see the deeds you do written down, you will see how much you really do, and it will encourage you to keep doing more.

    hang in there. I think you're doing great!

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