Wednesday, July 06, 2005
It seems much worse...
In light of the problems that others are suffering in the world, mine seem so meaningless. I mean, really, so we have money problems, so what! There are people out there suffering world hunger, natural disasters, all kinds of stuff...even money problems much worse than mine! So you would think that I would be able to keep this in mind, and focus on the good things I have going for me. I mean, look at Gage's mom. She's got the right idea, completely having faith in God and just concerning herself with praying for her son's recovery. I so want to be that way. I know, deep down, that there is no reason to worry, and that God will make sure that everything turns out okay. If not, then that's what His plan was, and I have no control over it either way. Still, though, I just can't drop it all and think that way. It's quite frustrating to me. What's worse is that I'm letting it spill over into other areas of my life, and my mood is affecting how I treat my family and just how I think in general. This can't be good. I hear that sometimes after you have a baby your hormones are all out of whack, and that you get kinda depressed (not post-partum or anything) or something. I think that's me right now. I want to be able to just send my worries to God, like I was doing before the baby was born, and not worry about it anymore.

I don't think Trey gets it, though. I think that, in his mind, A: the only thing that's changed is that there is just one more little person in the house, that just needs to be fed every few hours, with an occasional diaper change. B: I am just my normal old self. C: the fact that I am doing all of the stuff that I have to do everyday means I can handle it. D: I do nothing all day, but act tired when he gets home. E: I think he does nothing all day at work, and he's not tired. F: I don't care that he's tired b/c I want him to do stuff on his days off to help me out. G: everyday for me is a day off. Well, I could be wrong. However, this is how I feel, and I'm not happy. I'm sure he feels differently, and he's unhappy with me as well. I keep thinking that I should just go back to work, so I can be seen around here as someone who's doing something worthwhile and bringing in some money. However, that won't change the fact that we now have two children that must be taken care of, whether I work or not, and they are not going back to Lancaster even one day a week to get their babysitting. That almost killed me when TJ had to go three days a week. So, if I go back to work, then we will have to pay for daycare, which will probably eat up all the money I make. Plus, my kids will not be mine, but some products of a system that hasn't done much to impress me as of yet. I just really don't like the impression I get lately of the impression of what I do around here. I am worn out, and I don't feel appreciated. I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at what I'm doing, and that I have no purpose on this earth, except to get on Trey's nerves.

Look at me...this is not what I meant to post today. Please don't read this, and turn around now and run. See what I mean. I can't just set it all aside and be happy. I think this is enough for today. I'm sure I just burned another be it.

Have a great day! Later.
posted by Christi at 11:15 PM | Permalink |


  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Anvilcloud

    Whoa Christi, cut yourself some slack. You are probably experiencing some post-partum depression. That makes you normal. Don't be so hard on yourself; allow your pscyhe time to heal and your hormones time to regain balance.

    When you are ready, you and T have to have a calm talk. You can't both be trying to think of what the other is thinking. As I say when you are ready and calm. Calm is the word. Communicate is another word.

    Ask for what you need from him is a whole sentence. Something that many stumble over. Ask. Ask calmly. Communicate.

    It's late, and I'm blathering, but I think you get what I'm trying to say. Somebody brainier will soon come along and say it better. :)

  • At 1:12 AM, Blogger kathy

    not me...Anvilcloud said it wonderfully, and i agree with him. I hope you feel better real soon. your passing words "I need a Margarita" brought a smile to my face! thats cute! you can change those words to fit your mood, thats cool! Right now I'm drinking a glass of red wine...then off to bed i go.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  • At 1:30 AM, Blogger Julia

    ((((Christi)))) You are perfectly normal. Is it possible that you envisioned this time when Taryn came as a start of your stay at home mothering "career" and you had high hopes for how it was going to be, and now you are feeling let down because taking care of a baby is such hard work, so you don't have the energy to do all the other cool things you thought you would do? You sound overwhelmed, and I can identify with that feeling. After Alison was born, I was going to do all this stuff that would make my children perfect, and it would all be great. I spent a couple months feeling guilty because I wasn't even keeping up with half of what I had planned. I pretty much fed babies and cleaned, with little time for anything else. You read the magazine articles and listen to other people talk about the struggles of being a mother, but they say it in a joking way or it all turns out fine by the end of the page, and you can't relate to that.

    You're still post partum, and whether you realize it or not, it affects your mind very much. I will tell you two stories of my own, to show you that I think I had temporary insanity after Alison was born, and she slept great, so I couldn't even blame it on sleep depravation. The first one was after Richard went back to work. I went out front with Andrew so he could play, and I don't remember what happened, but I realized that I was pacing back and forth on the sidewalk crying loudly. I suddenly snapped out of it, and realized if anyone saw me I would look crazy, and then I wondered if I was crazy. I got us back in the house so I could calm myself down. I never did figure out what went wrong. The second time I was napping with both of the kids. I woke up and saw Andrew on one side of me, and Alison on the other. For some reason in my mind, there was another Andrew, and he was missing. This was the scarier incident. I know sometimes you are confused when you first woke up, but this went beyond that. I picked up Alison, and then ran around the house yelling for Andrew. He told me he was right there, but I was saying, "No, the other Andrew." I even looked outside, and I was getting hysterical. I knocked on my neighbors' door, and asked him for help finding Andrew because I was terrified. He ran in the house and found him sitting on my bed looking very confused. At that moment a light went on in my head and I realized what I had done, so I said something to the neighbor about him hiding, which wasn't true.

    You probably haven't experienced anything like that, but you probably are seeing things as worse than they really are, and it sounds like you know it, but your emotions go against what you know. Like you know to trust God, but you can't seem to do it. Maybe just knowing it will pass will help. It takes a couple months for your hormones to level out. If it doesn't pass, are you against talking to a doctor about getting on antidepressants? I have known some people who have been helped by them.

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger MiMi

    Christi, when do you next see your doctor (not the pediatrician)? You definitely need to tell him/her how you're feeling, as you might need to be on some sort of medication. Parenthood, and in particular, motherhood is NOT an easy job, but it's too late to get out of it now, so you might need a little help to get through it. Please be sure to communicate with your doctor and see if they can offer some help.

  • At 11:37 AM, Blogger Kurt

    In the words of Neil Young:

    Though my problems are meaningless,
    That don't make them go away

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Carrie

    hey momma... big hugs!!!

    this is the hardest time... you're probably not sleeping, your hormones are all out of whack...

    things will get better!

    vent all you need to here... this is what a blog is for... not for all the happy happy shit we'd like to pretend is our lives!!!!

    cry, sleep, scream, eat... whatever you need to do!!!

    again... big hugs, and don't ever apologize for your feelings!

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger Tammy

    Oh Christi, You are so NOT alone in this.
    This is how I feel everyday. I so want to stay home and be a STAY AT HOME MOM, but I can't see me doing that forever. I feel like I am going crazy.
    Mario comes home and thinks all I did all day was sit on my butt.
    They don't understand that there is more to being a stay at home mom.
    AV, said it great. You need to sit down with Trey and talk about this together. Calm and cool.
    Mario and I just had the same talk on things and he now understands what I do everyday and when he does come home from work and supper is not ready......he will start it for me.
    Or he will take the kids and play with them so I can do things.
    Communicate with Trey and tell him what you are feeling and what you need. I am sure things will get better.
    Hang in there, I feel the same way and if you ever need to vent. Email me anytime.
    HUGS girl, Ciao.

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger Karla

    Oh Christi. What else can I say. Everyone has offered the best advice and kind words there is to offer. You know I'm here for you girl. You know how to find me if you need to talk. {{{hugs))).

  • At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    i love you and understand at the same time the verbal abuse not really what i was in the mood for last night

  • At 1:55 AM, Blogger mrhaney

    hello christi. i just found my way to your blog by accident. here is some information about me. My nickname is mrhaney. I am a 58 year old male married to a wonderful woman. We have 4 grown children . We have been married 39 years. I like good honest and caring people. I like to talk with people. I also like old music and old cars. My wife and I live in Atlanta, ga. I met her in 1965 when I was stationed at north island naval air station in san diego. We met at a dance and I proposed to her 2 weeks after. We got married on may 1, 1965. I got out of the navy in 1967 and we went to my home state of Massachusetts for a couple of years. We now live here in Atlanta and we have four grown children who are on their own. We have no pets although I would really like to have a dog, maybe some day. We are both retired now and we do a lot of remodeling on the house we are in now.

    that is probably more than you wanted to know. i just wanted to tell you that you are a mother now and that is the most important job you can have. my wife took care of our four children. by the time we were 28 years old we had 4 kids. her people come from california and mine are in massachusetts and we chose to live in ga. so we did not have any help in raising them. we did it all and it was a job and a half. so you hang in there and pat yourself on the back even if no one else will.
    if you have a moment stop by my blog at . i would be happy to have you as a blogging friend. have a great day.

  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger Jillian

    Oh honey, all of a sudden your hubby sounds just like mine, only there aren't 2 other little ones to take care of. All I can suggest is take a deep breath, a shot of something, and call a good friend over to help out. If I were closer, I would certainly help. I find that when I'm feeling like that, if I do something for him that I know he won't notice for a while, I can then point out to him that it got done when he does notice finally, therefore stating, "see I do things". I get like that too and it makes me feel better if I can get a fwe more things done, and have a sense of getting things done. That's why I say call in reinforcements- a gay best friend is a fabulous help. That's what I use. Or, just leave it all go until he gets tired of walking through the dirt... I've been known to do that too! :-) either way, deep breaths and calm down, don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like Post-partum to me too.....

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    my mom says "all men are assholes, you just have to find one you can live with."