Thursday, August 09, 2007
My Path...
Do you ever question your path in life? Do you wonder if maybe you chose one that was below what you are capable and deserving of? I usually don't, but the other day I got to thinking about just that.

Julia got me to sign up for Facebook to see what it's all about. If you're thinking about it, my advice is don't waste your time. I don't get what's so great about it. I've heard so much about MySpace, and I'm not impressed w/it, either. I do like it more than Facebook, though, b/c you don't have to be approved just to look around. Anyway, back to my story...So I joined, and was doing a search to find anyone I know. I stumbled across this guy that I went to high school with. I asked him to be my friend, or whatever it is on there.

The next day I got an email saying he'd agreed, and that he was now on my Facebook. Yippee. I went to check him out. Okay, one, he was little and cute in high school. Now, he's HOT! Two, he's some big fancy graphic something or other in California. He had pics of his fun life and whatnot. We're the same age, yet we have taken COMPLETELY different paths.

I didn't know him all that well in high school, yet I don't remember bumping into him in any of my Honors classes, so I'm guessing he was just an average Joe. I'm not bragging or anything, but I was in the top five percent of my class of over 700, up near the top (I think in the top 20). I mean, that's not a big deal or anything, but school was always easy for me, and I always just figured I'd put all of that education toward something of vast importance in the world or something. I tutored both volunteer and paid, I volunteered in a library, I volunteered other places, I won awards for writing and the like, I was active in the band, I was in other school clubs...I was an outgoing and dedicated student who seemed to be on the track to success.

In college, I wasn't quite as active in the extra-curricular stuff, but mostly that was b/c I was too busy working to support myself at three jobs, along with going to school full-time and getting good grades. The most project-filled and hardest academic semester we had, I was busy planning and carrying out my wedding. It didn't phase me. I'm tellin' ya, school has always been easy. I've never been at the absolute top, but I know it's b/c I've never put in 100%. I found out I could be pretty damn near it w/o even trying, so I took that route instead!

I just knew in my heart that when I started teaching, I would teach for a few years, then I would move up to head of Special Education, then up into Administration. I'd make things good for all of my fellow teachers and help education move forward in the world. Things were okay for the few years I did teach. I loved the actual teaching part, but the morons who'd already made it to administration positions were really ruining it for me. I guess they noticed my adversity to the way they did things, and thus asked me to be on my merry way. I couldn't have been happier.

Now it comes to this. Here I am now, a newspaper delivery carrier. Any idiot off of the street could do that job. Okay, well, that's not true. I have seen many an idiot come and go, many of which I trained myself. However, I do know a lot of idiots who do it for a living, and do a great job at it! Needless to say, if you can read and drive, then you're set. I have a monthly student loan bill that's going to pay for an education I used for all of three years, if that.

Honestly, I wondered at the time if maybe I shouldn't do something more flashy and "successful" out there in the world. I think it'd be fun to work with computers at some fun place like Google. I'd love to make movies, and be part of the team that adds all of the special effects. I'd love to be some kind of mover and shaker out there in the world. Instead, I decided to teach. I'm not saying that teaching isn't important, but honestly, it's kind of, you know, a normal job. It's one of those careers they taught you about when you were little. You could either be an astronaut, a doctor, a fireman, or a teacher. Apparently, I didn't do my research and find out just how many careers out there have nothing to do w/those categories they taught us about in school!

However, it gets worse. Now, not only am I not a teacher, I'm doing a job that any ol' guy with a car can do right off the street. No prior education needed. Look, I get that what I do IS important. I believe deep down that staying at home and raising my children myself, and hopefully homeschooling them, is of utter importance. I know that my way right now to change the world and make it better is to take the time to raise three children who will go out into the world and set the example of goodness and do great things. It's a big, and definitely the most challenging, responsibility, and I am prepared to rise to the challenge and succeed. But...sometimes I just feel like I could be doing more. I mean, there are all those parents out there that do work and send their children to daycare and school, and those kids come out just fine. I don't really want that for my children, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should be getting up at 6 am instead of going to bed then, and toting my kids off to a loving daycare where they can socialize with lots of other children and Mommy can go off and spread her ideas to others who can carry on a normal, adult conversation. I just don't know.

I remember they said when we were growing up that we could be whatever we want to be when we grew up. That is so entirely untrue. If you don't have someone to point you on that right path early, then you're already behind. If you don't have the skills needed, then you're already behind. If you happen to have three small children, then the chances of doing whatever you want are slim to none. I don't regret one single second having had my three babies. If it were up to me, I'd have ten more. I love them, and they make every single day wonderful. Sometimes, just sometimes, though, I wonder if maybe I was meant to be a jet-setter. Maybe I was supposed to do something flashy, like travel the world selling expensive trinkets to companies that need them to stay in business. Who knows. I just hate feeling so unsettled.
posted by Christi at 9:04 PM | Permalink |


  • At 10:45 PM, Blogger Julia

    My two cents. Feel free to feel any way you want about it.

    Do you think your dissatisfaction comes from a general restlessness that would follow you or do you think you really are following the wrong path? Just because some women are happy with the quiet home centered life doesn't mean it's right for you.

    My personal opinion FOR ME is I only have so many resources to give in my life. If I were in the work world full time I don't think I would be able to have the energy to devote to my family. In my case, I am recharged at home. Some women find home life to be completely draining, and work recharges them, so working actually makes them a better mom. I think setting a great example for your kids is far more important that sacrificing everything for them. Sometimes you have to do a little of both.

    For what it's worth, I love staying home with the kids and homeschooling I even enjoyed my crappy delivery job when I had it. I still think about what if I had done things differently. I don't know if everyone feels that way, but it wouldn't surprise me if they did.

  • At 11:40 PM, Blogger Kurt

    I was off the charts when they tested my intelligence in middle school. I have no idea where it went.

    I too chose to become a teacher. The result: I will probably be retiring to a nice mobile home somewhere.

    At least you're accomplishing something by raising three kids (two with souls).

  • At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous

    Hey Kurt, don't you mean two WITHOUT souls?? Both the boys are ginger kids. Christi, you've been unsettled all your life--this is about the most settled you've ever been, so maybe this is the right path... MiMi

  • At 12:14 AM, Blogger Julia

    I like Mimi's comment.

    Maybe too much intelligence is the problem. Like you are hyper aware of your options, so it's hard to be satisfied. Maybe it's a good thing I smoked all the pot and killed half my brain.

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger gina

    i feel this way A LOT too. unsettled. like there is more for me. and i did kill half my brain with pot too, but still have these feelings....

    being a mom is most important but you gotta find soemthing to do for YOU as a woman, and not mix in the mother part of you, if only for a few hours a week.