Ha ha ha! I feel so evil, and sneaky! We don't have classes on Wednesday afternoons, and I should be working. After all, I haven't been here for four and a half days now. I don't feel like it, though, so instead I'll write. Sorry I've been away for a few days now, I've been sick and tired. Plus, when you have been sitting around your house all day everyday, there's not much to talk about, aside from whining about being sick. Who wants to hear that!

So I showed up at work today right before lunch, and I decided to go visit my class before they left. Michael thought it was the funniest thing that I can't talk. I can see that if I don't get my voice back soon, this could get bad. I also found it interesting that, although he wasn't working, as soon as I walked in, Michael thought it a-okay to start running his mouth and got up and started walking around the room. I need to work on that. My workshops last week taught me that I have made my problem with him what it is to an extent, and now I have to fix it (or go crazy, whichever comes first!).

So I've kinda got an issue with myself lately. I'm pretty sure that I am viewed as a slacker at work now. For good reason, no doubt, but still it's a little alarming. I mean, I can honestly say that I care very little anymore about what goes on around here. The atmosphere has gotten to me, and I'm not the motivated and excited person I used to be. However, I don't want to be seen as a joke, which I think I am. For instance, today was Coach's retirement luncheon. I volunteered to make fudge for it. I forgot, as I have been sick and had no real idea of even what day it was until this morning. To be honest, even if I had remembered, I don't know that I would have wanted to, being sick and possibly spreading nasty germs to everyone who ate. They said it was alright, and there was plenty of dessert to go around, so it was fine. However, I felt like, deep down, they were like, "Well, shoulda known better." I have been out a lot lately, a LOT. Mostly it's because I've been sick in one way or another. I know that if I didn't dislike being here so much, though, that I would probably come on some of the days I was out sick anyway, and just suffer a little. I'm sure that everyone understands that it's just b/c I'm pregnant, and this is the time of year for sickness anyway. I have to admit that this pregnancy is a little more taxing on me than TJ's was (which scares me a little as to how the child will end up!). I would feel like everyone understood, except that the teacher across the hall cheers everytime I come in after being gone. Today I got an email from her saying how glad she is that I'm back. I suppose I should be happy, except that when other teachers are gone, I don't think she does it with them. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that she teaches resource, too, and she has to watch my kids a lot when I'm gone. Still, I feel like I'm singled out and it makes her mad when I'm not here, like I'm screwing everyone or something. Whenever something is going on, like the luncheon today, I try to volunteer to help. I've thought about it, and decided that maybe I would be better off just not volunteering, as I tend to forget things a lot lately. I have the "pregnancy stupids" right now, which doesn't help my case very much. Does anyone think I'm just making all of this paranoia up, or does it sound valid? Have you ever felt that way about your job? I know it probably has something to do with how I feel about my job myself. I know I am not working to full potential anymore. I don't want to. It would take far too much effort to do all of the things I want to do, and I don't have the time to do it. I am not going to give up my family time to work on school stuff anymore, as I did my first year, and part of my first year here. It's funny, one time my boss came and yelled at me, and when I told her I didn't have time to finish all of the things that were expected of me (they gave me another class in place of my planning period, then took my end of the day planning away, too), she told me I should take it home and work on it. Little did she know, I already was, and it just wasn't working. However, that day was when I decided that all of the hard work I was doing was getting me nowhere, and I was sacrificing something far more important to me--my family. Trey and I were having problems, b/c I spent all my time working on school stuff and trying to find a few minutes to see a show or two. I vowed to no longer take school work home. If it didn't get done before 3:45, then it would have to wait. I'm still backed up beyond belief (and here I am typing away instead of working on that!), but I have realized that I always will be. Now, however, my family life is TONS better, and I'm a much happier person. I've even slowed down on the magnitude of grey hairs I've been growing! I do feel bad, though, b/c again, I am not the teacher I want to be. I am just getting by, not changing the world. So what do you think? I am sure that family is more important, but would you feel bad if you didn't do your job to your full potential? Do you sacrifice your job or family to find true happiness at just one of them? All I know is that lately I feel like a slacker at work, and that everyone else can see it, and that doesn't seem to be such a good thing.

Alrighty then, I guess I gotta go now. I have to go to some dumb math training session right now. I think it's funny that it's being taught by a teacher who makes me look like teacher of the century. It's my understanding that she doesn't do anything but hand out worksheets all day, and sit and read books. This should be interesting....Have a terrific day, and I'll see you tomorrow!