Only one more day left! Tomorrow is my last day off! What will I do! I can't go back to work. Igh....
So yesterday Trey asked my mom to do him a big favor and bring up some steaks from the Chas. restaurant to his. He offered to pay for her dinner, so she agreed. She was planning to come and visit and see our apt. anyway, so it worked out well. It was nice, and it was cool to get that one more day in before we all go back to work and don't see each other for a while again. Here's my problem, though. I notice a tension around my mom anymore where TJ's involved. For one, she doesn't agree with me at all about not wanting to spank him, and to use alternate forms of consequences, and she's not afraid to let me know, often. Fine, whatever. It seems now, though, that she doesn't like how I discipline him at all. It seems that she is holding him to different standards than I (and Trey) do. She has a really big problem with the fact that he doesn't eat much, ever. He eats what he wants, and that's that. I talked to the doctor about that, and she said it's fine as long as he's fine. The child is not malnourished, underweight, and has TONS of energy. We do have a problem with him only wanting to eat candy and drink milk, but I'm working on that (well, the candy part, that is...). She seems to want to battle about it, though. I can tell that TJ is not cool with that, and that he acts up more when she's around. I don't have problems with him when she's not with him. He eats a little, then stops. I'm fine with that. When my mom is there, she tells him every ten seconds that he needs to eat, and you can tell that he doesn't just b/c she says to. That bothers me. I mean, I'll admit that it's very frustrating that my child purposely does the opposite of what you want him to do, but I can handle it, b/c he gets it from me! If he doesn't want to eat, I usually just save it until later, when he decides he's hungry. I have had to work on getting over the fact that his dad is the same way, and only eats one meal per day, with snacks in between. He, too, is fine. What's bothering me the most, though, is that I feel like just b/c she doesn't agree with my discipline methods she has decided to take it into her own hands. When she sits there telling TJ what to do over and over again, and it's contrary to what I would say, it puts me in a very awkward position. TJ is looking to me to stand up for him, but I don't want to confuse him by contradicting my mom, and to upset her, either. Another thing is that the problems often come up when we are out to eat, which she does pretty much everyday and at normal dinner time. I am really worried about his screaming and crying in public and bothering other people, so I dont' want to have to deal with him acting out. That's why we don't really eat out much anymore, and when we do, we go later when most people are not out eating. That way, if we do have to deal with him, we dont' bother too many people. Anyway, I don't know what to do, or if this is to be expected. I'm not trying to say my mom is mean or anything like that, I just feel like nobody respects my discipline decisions. I don't believe a child has to be spanked or taught to fear his parents to respect them. As well, I don't expect TJ at his age to be a perfect child at all times. As long as he's not bothering anyone, then he's fine. What do you think? I guess I told the whole story. If not, ask. I would like your input. Ever had to go through this? Should I risk upsetting everyone and tell them that my rules as his mom have to apply, or should I go along? I'm so lost!
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. I hope you have a great day!
My ranting and raving, and hopefully your reading!
Sunday, January 02, 2005
NONONONONONONO!!!
posted by Christi at 7:53 PM
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6 Comments:
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Oh my…how harsh the words of Traci are!
...Hate that I will be raising my kids from a book? My dear critic, I pity that you find empowering yourself with knowledge and insight through books a detriment, and further pity how quick you are to judge others.
Guidance comes from your faith, values, morals and beliefs, and as an experienced mother of 4, you must already know that it is not where and how these values are shaped, but how these values and morals bring together a loving and accepting family (be it books, faith, advice from family or what-have-you).
It seems you repeated much of what I wrote anyways, so I thank you for your vote of confidence, but hope that in the future, you learn how to be tactful and respect the opinion of others as you find the words to express your own! -
I am not ashamed of anything. I am simply stating a position. I would like to clarify Traci that I did not infer that you consult books over a mothers opinion whatsoever. (You might want to re-read my post…cleary my position has been misunderstood).
In any case, if can only hope that when the time comes that my child is raising their own kids, that they challenge my opinions on effective parenting as well. No one is perfect, but simply doing things ‘they way things were always done because that’s just the way we do things” seems terribly sad to me.
How else do we evolve and grow if we don’t question how we came to be the people we are?
Alas, I digress. Thank you for encouraging my feedback. -
Wow! Well, I see all of your points clearly. It's funny, b/c my mom called me yesterday and explained that she wasn't trying to make me feel like a bad mom, or overstep her bounds. She just saw that there may be some problems with TJ's discipline as it is going. I would have liked for her to address it differently, but I should also realize that she is my mom, and that's how she always does things. However, after writing this, I thought about it, and decided that I need to get my act together and get with Trey and figure out exactly what his discipline will be. I have stated that my method of discipline will work, and have vaguely described it, assuming that everyone else is on the same page as me. However, whenever I'm with other people, I notice that they in fact are not, not even Trey. Also, I have slacked off some b/c I don't want to upset anyone, including TJ, and I think he has gotten the upper hand in the situation. So, already I must buckle down and get with the program! Man, raising kids in tough! I do, however, agree that it is very helpful to educate yourself through books, as they are other people using their own experiences to help you. I see the value in learning from my parents, also. I don't necessarily agree with the entire way I was raised, nor some of the things I see in Trey, though, and I don't want to put all of my faith in following in the footsteps of my elders. I agree that just b/c it has always been done that way doesn't always make it right.
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At 7:51 PM,
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At 7:52 PM,
Oh my…I really took heart to this post, because I have the same fears, that my mom or mother in law will not agree with my parenting style, and make it known and/or contradict me and confuse the boundaries and limits I am trying to set for my child. That is why I felt the need to offer such a lengthy opinion. Just my opinion though…and you know what they say…(opinions are like assholes and everyone has one!)
I do a lot of reading on child psychology and methods of parenting, and Im finding this is helping to build my confidence as a parent to be, but I already know my values and views of parenting will differ greatly than those of my parents.
To be blunt, your mom is overstepping her bounds by undermining you and telling TJ something different than what you have already said (or done). You’re absolutely right about TJ doing the opposite of what your mom is saying. He is at a stage where he is learning about independence, and will do the opposite of what he is told. Its so important that the boundaries you are setting up for him are maintained because he NEEDS those boundaries. Ultimately, (even though he doesn’t know it) they set the stage for trust and security.
I agree that you shouldn’t contradict your mom in front of TJ, but I really think you need to talk to her. YOU are the mom now, and she needs to respect that. Otherwise, TJ is not receiving consistent discipline or guidance which is so important to him right now. What is she achieving by undermining you as the mom? What message is that sending TJ? That what you say doesn’t matter? That is like fighting a loosing battle of effective parenting. Demand the respect you deserve girl!
As for his eating, kids at two don’t eat that much anyways. Their stomachs are tiny! Their growth has begun to slow down as well. From everything I’ve read (because I can only speak from textbook knowledge here…baby is still on the way), it is completely normal for you child not to eat a “square” meal at every sitting, but they will get their nutitional requirements over several small meals and nutritious snacks. Most of all…never force your kid to eat when they don’t want to.
You said TJ has tons of energy and the doctors arent worried. They are tracking TJ’s growth, and if there was a concern, they would let you know. If he is running around, alert and energetic, then he is getting enough food.
I think you already knew everthing I said here Christi, but probably just wanted someone else to confirm your own beliefs. Have a heart to heart with your mom. Im sure once she hears your concerns she will back off. She isnt trying to make your life difficult, she is doing everything she is doing because she only wants the best for TJ, and how can you be mad at that? You just need to remind her that ultimately, you will decide what is best for TJ. She had her turn to be a parent, now its yours!