I didn't want to come home, but, alas, I had to. So, here I am again.

Anyway, I'm kinda happy in a weird way. A girl I used to work with at DJJ found my blog online and wrote to me. We talked this morning on Yahoo, and she told me that M misses me, and finally realizes that I was the only person who gave a crap about him. Now, for most of you, this makes no sense. However, if you used to read back when I was still working, you may remember me talking about a student of mine named M who used to make my life a living hell. However, for some strange reason, I worried about him day and night. When I was fired, I could have cared less to leave that place, but I was worried about him. So it was good to hear that he actually noticed I'm not there anymore. I so wish I could talk to him, though! On the up side as well, it was great to get to talk to my fellow co-worker, who won't be there much longer, and hopefully we'll get together sometime and hang out. I went out pre-pregnancy once and had a margarita with her, and it was fun. It'd be cool to chill together again!

So I was talking to Trey about stuff last night, and it hit me what's so very stressful about my new full-time job. I've often wondered why I feel like it's so hard being a full-time SAHM, and I realized it's mostly mental (although still quite strenuous at times!). Okay, so here it is: As a SAHM, and really as a mother altogether, you worry, day and night, about the lives of your children and making sure they grow up right. I want my kids to be well-behaved and have good manners and values, and every move I make can affect that. There's the behavior, which I'm in charge of 90+% of the time, and that's rough. As I told Trey, if someone at work will not listen to him, he has a set path of consequences to follow, that eventually end in that person being fired if they won't do what is asked of them. However, I can't fire my kids. I can't kill them. So, when my set consequences will not work, I am forced to find new ones. At some point you can go no further, and if it's still not working, you're stuck just dealing with that problem. So, I could deal with the same problem over and over again, day in and day out, and never have it go away. Fortunately, I've been lucky enough to have my consequences pretty much solve the problems up to now, but I fear the day that TJ or Taryn realize that there's nowhere else for me to go at a certain point! Then there's the babies' health. This one really freaks me out. It used to just be me worrying about TJ, who happens to be quite the little acrobat and gutsy guy, and him falling and hurting himself, or getting into something that could hurt him. Now it's even worse. Now I have the fear that if I leave the room for even a second, he might go and "hug" or drop something on the baby and hurt her, or even kill her. So it's doubled. I also have to worry about what he eats. I don't want my kid growing up to be a junk food junky, and I want him to be healthy and get all the nutrients he needs. However, I'm not a good food planner, and it stresses me out to have to feed him three times a day and make sure he's not eating too much of one thing, or too much junk. Let's add to that the fact that I want my kids to be brilliant, and live up to all of the potential that they have. There are those days when I'm just not feeling it, and I don't do much with TJ. Then I feel guilty. There are those days when we just work on numbers, which he rocks at, and I know he needs to work on the ABC's. Again, guilt. Sometimes he watches too much tv. Guilt again. Now, how many people go off to work everyday, and feel guilty about the stuff they do and don't do while there? If they don't finish everything, they just do it the next day. Then there's the actual household stuff. I make a list in my mind each day of what I realistically want to get done. Usually it doesn't happen, and I'm left feeling like a slacker, and that I've accomplished nothing. Lastly, but surely not least, there's the whole outside pressure you get from the world. I feel like I have to make great leaps and bounds in order to be respected as someone who's actually doing something each day and earning the right to stay home with my kids. Then there are the people who don't agree with the choices I make as far as discipline and what I teach my kids. At times I feel guilty, yet again, b/c I dont mean to let TJ hear me say words that he shouldn't know, but it happens. My total fear is having him go to someone's house one day and yelling out "Dammit!" It's just a matter of time. What I think, though, is the most overwhelming of all of this SAHM thing, is that you can NEVER walk away from it. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you can't just quit. I've tried. If your baby is crying, you can't just say, "Forget this. I'm outta here." Well, you can, but unlike other jobs, when you do, you better get ready for some jail time! TJ is being an ass, I can't just say, "I'm leaving for a while to calm down." I mean, yes, I can go into another room, but he can still get to me, and most likely will. If not, as soon as I enter the room, I'll just be in fear that he'll hurt himself! Oh, I tell you, this job is just SO MUCH! So, anyway, I've figured out what's going on. Now I just need to come to grips with it and gain my peace. Sure, there are rewards beyond any rewards you can get from any other job, but hey, this is long enough. I'll save that for another post!

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Gotta go "fix" TJ's radio (the CD ended, so now it's broken!). Have a great day!