I will spare you the details of the long and saddening funeral and wake we attended this last couple of days ("we" being Julia and me). We basically reminisced with friends from Pizza Hut, and cried here and there. I saw Wilson last night, and he didn't look real at all. It upset me a lot. His face had flaws, he had pores. Not the Wilson in the casket. He was just too, too perfect. I didn't like it. I liked his realness, he was not the funny and charming Wilson I once knew in that casket last night. Today the highlight was when his daughter came up and told us her memory of him always wearing his swim trunks and his socks pulled way up. I laughed out loud, b/c it was true. He always wore his socks jacked up to his knees at work, and I always just wanted to reach down and yank them down! I never thought I'd miss that, but I do.

I came away from this all with a new sense of purpose in my life. Not that I was necessarily living badly before, or so I hope, but I can now put into words what I would like to achieve with my actions until I die. My goal in life is to live in such a way that when I die, people speak as highly of me as they have Wilson. I want to be liked, and loved, and known for the good I bring into the world. I want to help others, and be funny, and bring smiles to people's faces. I want my children to always know that everything I do, I do it for them, for my family (Trey, also, of course). I want people to remember my silly little quirks (like his jacked up socks), and chuckle at the thought of them. I want them to have animated and interesting stories to tell about me at my memorial service, and I want someone to want to have a memorial service for me!

It's not that I feel like I have not been already trying for this, but now I can put into words how I would like to see my life continue. I hope I can achieve this goal, and perhaps even surpass it.

Tonight I had a talk w/TJ about what happened. He wanted to do his reading lesson before bed, when we usually do it, but I was just way too tired and brain-dead to be able to handle it tonight. I haven't slept much this past week, and I'm so tired, yet I can't seem to fall asleep (thus the reason I'm up now typing this instead of snoring loudly in my bed!). I explained to him that Mommy doesn't feel good right now and she's really sad about her friend dying. I told him that bad men shot my friend Wilson with a gun, and he died. He asked why, and I said it was b/c they were trying to take his money away from him. He told me I could make a new friend, and that he would be my new friend. He also told me I could name my new friend Wilson, too! He wanted to know where Wilson was, and I told him that he's in Heaven with God and Jesus. He said God could bring him back for me, and I had to explain that that's not possible. In my best explanation I could come up with, I said that he gets to play games with God now, and run around in the sprinkler with Jesus up in Heaven. I know up to this point he's always thought Heaven was somewhere on the way to Nana's house, so I'm not sure still if he quite gets it. He seemed satisfied with that, though. I told him I am very happy for Wilson that he gets to be with Jesus, but I'm very sad for me that I never get to see him again. He seemed genuinely empathetic to my sadness, and was fine with me not teaching him his reading lesson tonight. He willingly went on to bed w/o argument, as he usually does. I was really, really surprised. I honestly expected a blow-out, b/c he really loves his reading lessons and gets excited about them. He talks about them all day and is always asking when he gets to do it again. He seemed to understand what I was telling him about Wilson pretty well, and that impressed me. TJ was acting very mature not only for his age, but for himself. I have to say, it actually made me feel kinda better. He did tell me that I have to hate the bad guys b/c they are evil and they shot my friend. I kept telling him that I don't hate them, that I'm sad for them b/c they shouldn't have done something so mean, and they really hurt a lot of people with their evil actions. I don't think he got that part, but I did finally get him to stop saying I had to hate them, so....

Okay, I promise I'll come back in the next couple of days with something more upbeat. You would think I was best friends in the world with Wilson the way it's affected me. I really didn't even know him a whole year, but he really just touched my life in such a positive and wonderful way, and I bet he didn't even know it!

Have a great day, and I'll see you soon!