Saturday, November 11, 2006
Doubts...
I don't think I can do this, I really, really don't.

I'm quite, 100% sure, I said the exact same thing after Taryn was born, and possibly after TJ, too. However, I feel like I mean it more now. I know that once we all get used to having a new baby in the house, and I get to start sleeping like a regular person again, that I won't feel this way. I know all of the rational and logical stuff, and I know we'll get through this just fine. We always do. Nothing new now.

Still, though, I just really don't know if I can do this. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be feeling this way, since I'm already on anti-depressants from the last baby and my post-partum depression. Nonetheless, I can't keep these feelings of being completely overwhelmed and unmotivated from clouding my head.

Yesterday, I took all three of them to my grandma's house w/my mom, and we tried to shop afterwards. I felt a tiny bit better that it was hard to handle all three of them, and that was with my mom there helping. However, it just made for an awful day, and made me realize that nothing, NOTHING, will ever be easy again. My mom told me she doesn't want to go shopping w/me anymore w/all of them, b/c it was just too stressful. It was. It sucked. I spend my days doing the absolute basics around here, and still not getting those done well. That's mostly b/c whenever I sit down, I have to find a way to accommodate three small people on my lap (who ever thought that being less than small would be a good thing!). Then, I am able to get one of them to sleep, and the other one will wake up! I try to feed the baby before time to eat, but he won't play that game. He prefers to wait till everyone is sitting down w/their food. I'm telling you, though, it's a good diet.

Trey is helping me as much as he can now that he's back at work, but now it just feels like we all spend our days accomplishing nothing. We end up taking turns trying to catch some sleep, and we're always in a bad mood. It sucks.

Yes, yes, I know this is all completely normal, and that it is a part of the whole process of having a new baby and adjusting. I just feel like I need to get it out. I'm hating it. I read today in a magazine, while wiping Taryn off and holding the baby and trying to eat my lunch, about a woman who was suffering PPD who felt bad b/c she didn't enjoy her new baby as much as she felt she should. She felt guilty for not being excited. I totally felt her pain. I'm not excited, I'm worn out. Many days this week I've wondered what I've done, and really, really wished I hadn't gotten pregnant. Then I feel like shit b/c I love, love, LOVE little Cole, and wouldn't give him up for the world. I don't regret having him at all.

I hate this, I really do. I can't wait for it to be over and be normal again, whatever that is...

Talk to you later. Have a great day.
 
posted by Christi at 12:55 AM | Permalink |


4 Comments:


  • At 1:16 AM, Blogger gina

    have you tried wine yet??

    get a moms group- put TJ in preschool. get a couple of hours away a week. no matter what. otherwise you will go freakin nuts.

    you are a good mom. and yes it is all normal.

     
  • At 1:57 AM, Anonymous Echo

    First: *HUGS*

    I wish I could say that it gets a lot better, but it doesn't. It's like grief where it gets easier to manage, but not necessarily something you'd call 'easy'. As they get a little bit older they become less dependent on you, which alleviates some of the stress.

    Give yourself a break because Cole is still very much brand new! Jenna was difficult for a couple of months but now she is the best baby ever. Maybe Cole will turn out the same way, and it's so much less stressful that way.

    I agree with Gina - maybe enroll TJ in preschool? Something to get him interacting with others a little bit more and gearing up for school in a few years and something that will give you a few hours with just Taryn and Cole.

    I know you will probably hate me for saying this, but try to cherish this time because (you know!) they grow SO quickly! It goes even quicker with the third, girl.

    If you think you may need some additional help, don't hesitate to mention it to your doctor.

    Prayers coming your way!

     
  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger holy chaos

    hey, i understand completely! i just kept repeating to myself that this was the hardest part... the first 6 weeks... shopping with three at their age? i wouldn't even attempt it. you will find other ways to get things done.

    do join a mom's group! how about mops? (mother's of preschoolers)

    i am praying for you!

     
  • At 1:31 PM, Blogger Carrie

    big hugs, sister. you're doing a GREAT JOB, ok????


    with just ONE child, I gave myself THREE WHOLE months before I stressed about whether anything other than survival was happening. you haven't even had 3 WEEKS yet???


    let your friends help you. even if it costs a little more, I know Harris Teeter stores let you do your grocery shopping online, then you just drive over there and pick everything up.


    other than that, know that I'm pulling for you and am positive you'll ride out this storm and be all that stronger for it.

    XXOO