I don't think I can do this, I really, really don't.

I'm quite, 100% sure, I said the exact same thing after Taryn was born, and possibly after TJ, too. However, I feel like I mean it more now. I know that once we all get used to having a new baby in the house, and I get to start sleeping like a regular person again, that I won't feel this way. I know all of the rational and logical stuff, and I know we'll get through this just fine. We always do. Nothing new now.

Still, though, I just really don't know if I can do this. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be feeling this way, since I'm already on anti-depressants from the last baby and my post-partum depression. Nonetheless, I can't keep these feelings of being completely overwhelmed and unmotivated from clouding my head.

Yesterday, I took all three of them to my grandma's house w/my mom, and we tried to shop afterwards. I felt a tiny bit better that it was hard to handle all three of them, and that was with my mom there helping. However, it just made for an awful day, and made me realize that nothing, NOTHING, will ever be easy again. My mom told me she doesn't want to go shopping w/me anymore w/all of them, b/c it was just too stressful. It was. It sucked. I spend my days doing the absolute basics around here, and still not getting those done well. That's mostly b/c whenever I sit down, I have to find a way to accommodate three small people on my lap (who ever thought that being less than small would be a good thing!). Then, I am able to get one of them to sleep, and the other one will wake up! I try to feed the baby before time to eat, but he won't play that game. He prefers to wait till everyone is sitting down w/their food. I'm telling you, though, it's a good diet.

Trey is helping me as much as he can now that he's back at work, but now it just feels like we all spend our days accomplishing nothing. We end up taking turns trying to catch some sleep, and we're always in a bad mood. It sucks.

Yes, yes, I know this is all completely normal, and that it is a part of the whole process of having a new baby and adjusting. I just feel like I need to get it out. I'm hating it. I read today in a magazine, while wiping Taryn off and holding the baby and trying to eat my lunch, about a woman who was suffering PPD who felt bad b/c she didn't enjoy her new baby as much as she felt she should. She felt guilty for not being excited. I totally felt her pain. I'm not excited, I'm worn out. Many days this week I've wondered what I've done, and really, really wished I hadn't gotten pregnant. Then I feel like shit b/c I love, love, LOVE little Cole, and wouldn't give him up for the world. I don't regret having him at all.

I hate this, I really do. I can't wait for it to be over and be normal again, whatever that is...

Talk to you later. Have a great day.