I can't stop crying! This stupid pregnancy has made me WEAK! I just watched half of a movie on Lifetime (my first mistake) about a woman who dies of cancer and leaves her year-oldish baby and husband behind. I just turned it to the channel when she was saying her goodbyes, and I instantly turned into a waterfall! Then he remarried her friend that she had kinda handpicked for him before she died, and it was so happy....that I cried again! I can't stop! What's worse, this movie, Dawn Anna I think it's called, just came on, and I want to watch it. I know that it's about a woman who overcomes cancer or something, then her daughter dies in the Columbine shootings. Am I asking for it or what? I will have to swim to bed tonight! It's just come on, and apparently this woman has four teenagers! Whoa, and she's a teacher! That in itself would make me cry! Wish me luck...if you need me I'm sure I'll be crying about something...

Okay, so back to this movie...She's being interviewed and asked why she loves being a teacher. She gave the same answer I have, or had...She said it's that moment when the kid who hasn't been getting it just "gets it", when his light comes on. That is what I work for, even though I don't get to see it often. It got me thinking, though, that I feel like I have lost my spirit. My kids know it. When I first started there, I didn't have behavior problems with my students, b/c they saw just how much I loved my job and what I did, and truly believed that I could make a difference. That is not the case now. My kids still know that I love them, and that I want the best for them, but it's not the same. They can tell that I don't want to be there anymore, and that I just feel hopeless. I used to ride them if they didn't do their work, but now I just say "Whatever", and move on to someone who is. My behavior problems have risen, too. It makes me sad. I know why I have lost my love, and it upsets me that I can't figure out how to get it back. I don't think I ever will where I am now. I have been beaten down by DJJ and the politics. The kids there have given me the impression that there is no hope, and that the world is coming to apocolypse b/c of the evil criminals that just run rampant everywhere. I get scared about them, and think that I must never let TJ or my new child ever leave my side, ever, for fear that they may run across one of these criminals, or even become one! What's funny is that when I was in high school, I knew there were bad kids; but I knew many more good kids, who became wonderful, successful people. However, during that time, at DJJ the dorms were well overcrowded, and the whole system had tons more kids in it than it does now. So I'm sure it's really not any worse now than it was then...or is it? I feel like today's culture is much different, and it openly welcomes deviant behavior. Maybe it's just my daily situation...who knows...All I know is that I don't feel happy with what I do anymore, I've lost that loving feeling...I'm really hoping that if I can stay home and homeschool my kids, that will all change. I can't imagine doing anything better in the world than what I love, teaching, and who better than my children! Talk about saving the world!

Alrighty then, I've gone on long enough...I hope you have a terrific day, and I'll see you tomorrow!