So, as I sit here watching Mitt Romney speak at the RNC as he accepts his presidential nomination, it brings to mind just how much my life has changed in the last few years....even since I last wrote on here (which was a LOOONNNNGGGG time ago!).  I was looking back through here earlier today, and I got a laugh when I found a post about how I was going to vote for Kerry and how Trey was a stinking conservative while I was liberal.  My, my how things change!  As most people who know me now know, I am anything but liberal anymore.  Apparently, having children and being forced to make a living for myself and my family has changed my views drastically.

But, enough about that...I didn't really get on here to go into a political rant.  Things have changed since I last posted on here.  Naturally, my kids are much older now.  They all three are in school.  I'm still having separation issues about that, as Cole is my baby, and he's not much of a baby anymore.  He doesn't seem to be bothered, but oh, it's breaking my heart!  So he's in Kindergarten, Taryn's in second grade, and TJ's in fourth grade.  Can you believe that?  Wow.

I was just looking over their baby pics on here, and it's like it was yesterday.  We have gone through so many changes lately.  TJ has begun to care about how he's perceived.  He wants his hair long, to wear skinny jeans and shirts with certain characters on them.  Taryn wants fashion, too.  It's all the new 80's flair for her, complete with shorts too short for my liking.  Then there's Cole.  He's a super hero, and wants to dress as such everyday.  It doesn't seem that long ago that I was able to choose how my children dressed....sigh....

I could go on and on with this.  However, Trey is harassing me to give him the computer.  I guess I'll try to get on here again sometime soon and write something interesting.  I just wanted to actually come and do this for now.  Have a great day, I'll see you soon!

So I was waiting patiently for the sadness of realizing my dad is dead to kick in and for a breakdown. It never came. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. I was going on each day thinking of all of the things about him that made me mad, and I would get myself worked up and angry. It wasn't helping anything, nor was it in any way therapeutic. So, just out of the blue, as I was driving along one morning on my paper route, I went to start thinking unhappy thoughts, and it hit me. I realized that he is gone. I will never see him again. I will never feel guilty for not being a perfect daughter to a man who didn't care. I will never go visit and have to put on an act of happy Christi who cares that her father knows her children. I will never have to ponder what my children should call him, b/c "Mommy's Daddy" just sounds stupid, but I refuse to call him "Paw-Paw". I will never call him a month after Christmas b/c I waited for him to call me to wish me a Merry Christmas, and he didn't, and I feel like I should at least apologize for not calling him. I will never feel awkward wondering what his wife thinks of me and says about me when I'm not around and she's turned her act off, too. I will never have to deal with any of that stuff again. I will never have to be mad at him for what he's done and the father he hasn't been. He's gone. Now, any anger I have would be directed at no one, nothing. It's the most wasteful anger I can imagine. It's officially over. 100% over. I no longer have a father to worry about my relationship with. It's not upsetting at all. It's actually cathartic. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have that breakdown I was waiting for, but I don't think so. Aside from someone mentioning his death here and there, and writing this, since the day I came to this realization I haven't even been able to make myself think of him anymore. I tried the next day to do it, have the angry thoughts, and I couldn't. My brain just said, "Nope, it's done," and it wouldn't go further. I had to think of something else. So, naturally, I brooded over my financial situation. You know, sometimes you just have to get your unhappy thoughts out!

So, it's over.

There's so much more I wanted to write about, but I can't for the life of me think of any of it right now. I'll try to write again tomorrow when my brain can focus a little better.

Okay, so my dad died on Sunday. He had pneumonia that had been going on for a while, and that was on top of hip cancer, or something like that, that was eating up his bones and slowly killing him. In my opinion, after having seen him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, he was probably better off. I don't keep in touch much with him, but from what I heard, he's been doing a lot of suffering for a while now. That's certainly no way to live. Of course, I also know that he brought a lot of it on himself (this cancer was just one of many he had) through his wild and reckless living all these years.

Anyway, I have yet to, as my mom put it, "grieve", and seriously doubt that I will. Honestly, I think I was on the best terms with Daddy out of his four kids, but that's not saying much. I would go and see him on occasion, but for the most part, I kept my distance. I have a LOT of bitterness that I hold against him for many, many reasons that I don't care to go into. Let's just say that he was by far not the best dad, or even a good one at that. What's worse, though, is that I am not even as upset at him for his treatment of me as I am his treatment of his other children. He was bad to me. He very obviously cared very little for me, as well as his other three children, but he did seem to think of me as a smart girl, and openly said so (usually in front of another sibling while he was drunk, therefore putting me in an awkward situation).

For some reason, though, his actions didn't affect me like they did my older sister and little brother. My brother, although he keeps to himself for the most part, was really upset about Daddy's death, and has always been deeply affected by what he does. Daddy actually went to the trouble of trying to bond with him while he was a teenager, then abruptly left him high and dry to go pursue other lives he'd rather live. He also consistently shit on my sister at every venture, even though she has always been the most loyal and giving to him. She, too, was upset at the news of his passing, and espoused to me that she feels guilty. I can't imagine why she would, as she has always been the best daughter he could ever ask for, while he has been the worst father she could have been dealt. My older brother and I don't seem too upset over this news. Wesley has moved on with his life. I don't blame him.

So that brings this to me. I'm not sure how to feel. I mean, I know how I feel. Still bitter. I'm not upset that he died. I've tried to be. I feel like I should shed a tear or something. At least feel some level of sadness for a minute or something. Trey thinks it just hasn't settled in yet, but I really just think I don't care. I know he's dead. My life doesn't feel like it's missing anything, except maybe the twinge of guilt I'd feel every now and then that I never go to see him. Now I don't have to, so if anything, I'm actually relieved that he died.

Is that wrong? It seems wrong. I mean, like it or not, he was my dad. I got my brown eyes and moodiness from him. I got my extremely dry skin from him. There's a little curly-cue on the back of my head that I'm pretty sure came from him. I can't tell a joke or story w/o going on for days, that definitely came from him. Shouldn't that factor into my feelings and make me feel a little at a loss? Cause I don't. I feel a tiny bit guilty that I don't feel guilty, but only b/c I feel like I'm breaking some kind of social rule. Oh, I dunno. I don't guess I can make myself sad if I'm not. Siiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhh.........