Lately I've been feeling quite guilty. I'm almost positive that my actions are due mostly to my being pregnant, but I really can't be sure. I know there are millions of people out there that can help me with this problem, and I'm calling on at least some of them to help.
Okay, here's the deal: I feel terrible, b/c I'm sucking at being a mom lately. I can honestly say that being home with TJ all day everyday is taking its toll on me, and that I had no idea how very exhausting it was going to be. I know I've said it before, but it's so much harder than working was! He has so much energy, and demands so much attention. I feel so terrible, b/c it seems like everyday I pay a little less attention to him and try to get him to play by himself. I feel like I'm short changing him, and I'm being selfish to want to ignore him so I can sit on the couch for a while and watch tv. Tonight when I opted to read a book while he took a bath (I sat on the toilet and just kinda monitored), I felt horrible afterwards. He's used to me playing along. What's really getting to me is that his behavior seems to be getting bad. I mean, he's a good kid, don't get me wrong, but he's started having these little fits all the time now, and he keeps ignoring me and doing exactly what he wants until I punish him. I used to just be able to say no and he would go along. Now I say no three times, then have to put him in time-out. After time-out he's alright, but I've gone from time-out once in a blue moon, to four or five times a week! His temper sucks, too. He's me when I was little! Oh, my poor Mommy!
Anyway, I didn't feel good a couple of days this past week, so we pretty much sat around the house and did next to nothing those two days. We didn't even go outside. I already felt bad about that, b/c kids need to go outside. I would play with him sporatically, but overall I just vegged out. So today I tried to make it up to him, and I took him to the playground and the library, and then to Trey's work to see him. He seemed to enjoy it, even though he ran away from me and had to go to time-out at the park. I felt so bad, though, b/c I really just didn't have the energy to play with him on the playground, which he really wanted, and he had to play alone. I told him I didn't feel good, and for a few minutes, he sat next to me and said he didn't feel good, either.
I know that some of my problem has to stem from the fact that I'm pregnant. I mean, my energy level has gone from decent to none in just the last few weeks. I can't even walk a set of stairs anymore w/o having to stop and catch my breath. Not to mention, the baby is having a hayday sitting on my nerves, so walking is not fun anymore, and every muscle in my lower body is as sore as it can get now. However, I feel like maybe I'm just being lazy, too. I can be lazy at times, I know this, and I'm trying not to be. I think maybe I am, though. I feel so horrible, b/c I just keep thinking I really want Trey's mom to come and take him away for a couple of days so I can sleep. Then I start thinking and feel bad b/c up until now I never was a full-time mom. I think TJ's tired of me, too, b/c he hates it when Trey leaves for work now, and begs him not to. I think I'm the mean parent and I'm no fun. That's not cool.
So maybe my question is this: Do you think my current behavior is just from being pregnant, or do you think I'm being lazy? Also, for those of you who've had two kids, did you have this problem? If so, what did you do about it? I don't want TJ to think I suck as a mom. What's worse, I don't want to stay this way and be a terrible stay-at-home mom. What if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, and really I should go back to work instead? Am I just being irrational b/c of the whole hormones and braindead thing? Please help....
Alright, I'll talk to you later. Have a great day!
My ranting and raving, and hopefully your reading!
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I need your thoughts
posted by Christi at 12:22 AM
| Permalink |
| Permalink |
9 Comments:
-
At 12:47 AM,
Anvilcloud -
I can identify with what you are saying so much. It was especially like that toward the end of my pregnancy and Alison's first year. Especially that last trimester, I was so on edge I would just pray that someone would offer to take Andrew off my hands for a little while. The guilt was awful. Things are easier now that they are 6 and 4, but I honestly still have days like that, just less often. I'm sure it's even harder for you because you've been thrown into the full time mommy thing all of a sudden, whereas I started from the beginning and had time to get used to it gradually.
I was just feeling guilty yesterday because I think Andrew watches too much TV, and whines too much and I'm the one that allowed it to get like that. Just know that you are not alone.
Oh yeah, I just remembered that I read a lot of parenting books because Andrew was fairly wild when he was 2. The main thing I learned was being consistent about the rules and enforcing them every time. I found this incredibly mentally draining. Sometimes I found myself just going through the motions numbly because I was so tired and I was a afraid I might lose my temper and do something I would regret later. -
Am I just being irrational b/c of the whole hormones and braindead thing? well i'm not even touching that one sugarbuns. ha! but seriously i do the exact same thing when Im home with the monkmonks. i feel guilty bc i want them to play while i use the computer, clean, etc. im sure your being pregnant has alot to do with it but i have the same guilt and i aint even prego.
-
OK, I just HAVE to get in on this... First, read, re-read and totally absorb everything that Traci wrote--she is absolutely right! Second, have you heard of the "Terrible Twos"? Well guess who's 2 years old?!?! And, unfortunately, it's probably only going to get worse after Taryn comes. You HAVE to discipline TJ now, even if it makes you feel guilty--it is for his own good and you will be glad you did in the future. He will not love you any less; actually, he will love you more because he will realize that you care about him. Neglect is much more harmful than discipline. Discipline will build love and respect. Third, you need to stop setting the bar so high that you can't get over it--you are continually setting yourself up for failure. Parenting is the hardest job there is and there is no manual that can tell you what is the right or wrong way to rear your children. Every parent has to do the best job they can based on what they feel is the right thing to do. Most people just look back to what their parents did with them and try to imitate what they felt was good and change what they felt was bad. But you really need to try to stop setting your expectations so high for yourself. You can't be the perfect mother no matter how hard you try, and there's no shame in that, because there's no such thing as a "perfect" parent. You just have to do your very best to do what is good for your children and hope they will come out alright. But they will love you no matter how much you think you've messed up, just like you will love them with all their faults. The love between a parent and child has to be unconditional. Lastly, you need to chill out for now. You're tired and have a full plate. Yes, it's good for TJ to get out and play sometime, but he doesn't have to get out every day--he can play inside just as well right now. Keep in mind that he's only 2 years old, he will get out more as he gets older and it will be more important then. It won't hurt him to have some quiet time more frequently while you're pregnant and after the baby comes. The more you keep him on the run, the more he expects to be going all the time, so try to stay at home a little more and spend some quiet quality time together. Who knows, he might get into taking a decent nap if he's not having to run the streets all day. Remember what Traci said--don't try to be his friend, be his mother--set boundaries and stick to them. Just hang in there and hopefully, it will get better. Love, Mom
-
I think Traci and Dee said it all. Listen to them and you can't go wrong. I have two kids and I can tell you that I can't take my kids outside everyday to play and you know what that's ok. Quiet time is great for you right now and for him and it's true when you take him outside everyday he is going to want that everyday cause it's what you do. Set a routine that is good for you and him.
SOunds like you have some great people that care about you. Listen to them. You can't go wrong. ~HUGS~ -
It is not reasonable to spend every waking minute with the child, and he won't wither with some time alone or not doing things with mommy every minute. :) Traci's post was great. Get some balance, schedule things for him and time for you. If you're overly tired, you might ask your OB/GYN to check your hemoglobin to be sure you're not anemic. Keep the faith! :)
-
I totally identify with what you are saying. (I need to go back and imprint the good advice you've gotten on my mind. Heh.) I have a two year old and a four month old. I feel so guilty about ignoring the two year old, but I just can't give him the attention he used to get pre-baby. We also watch a lot of TV. And he's starting to act out and I feel like it's my fault. Argh. Anyway, thanks for putting words to what I've been thinking. You'll get it all figured out, I'm sure!
The fact that you are concerned shows something about your committment. your routines have changed. You are home. Ironically, this could lead to less attention from you because you can't be "with him" actively all day long. Can you set up specific "together" times and "not really together times," so there is some routine and some paramaters. This assumes that you are well. When you're sick, there's not too much that can be done.