I'm feeling conflicted and upset right now. I'm not sure if this is okay. I really don't know if I'm being selfish, or if I'm being irrational, or if I'm justified in my thinking. So, feel free to let me know what you think, if you wish. I'm just going to get this out of my system now.

So TJ's birthday party is Saturday. Yes, he turned 2 in January, but I'm a strange person, and I opted to have the party in March. Long story...So I sent out the 16 invitations I bought, and even invited a few people w/o invitations. I asked the recipients to please RSVP, as I need to know what's going on, so I don't plan for 400 and get 2. These were sent out almost a month in advance--yes, a little early, but I wanted everyone to have plenty of time to plan if needed. Up until last week, I had heard from only one person who said she was coming w/her kids, no, maybe two. However, that left about 16 or so invites more. I sent out an email to those emailable, asking to please write back yes or no. I got most of them back. Cool. I was sad to see a couple who couldn't who I'd really hoped could come. The rest I vowed to call asap. Tonight was my first night to call around, and I did. This is where I began to get upset, and possibly for no reason, as I knew what to expect.

So I called my brother first, as I figured he probably wouldn't be home, and I knew he wouldn't come anyway. He was home. He has to work, as does his girlfriend. I expected as much. Then I called my "best friend in the whole wide world" Mike. We have been friends for a long time, and he always makes it a point when we are together to tell everyone how we are very best friends in the whole wide world. He has to work. At this point, I was getting really upset. No, I guess I already was. The rest of the names I could figure out or already knew if they were coming. Here's my beef: I feel like if someone is really important to you, then what is really important to them should be really important to you. In other words, if I am your best friend, or your sister, and I am having a birthday party for my son that I REALLY want you to be at, then if you really care you will find a way to make it happen. I made it a point to give everyone a month's notice to make any preparations they could just for that reason. My mom said my brother has to work b/c he needs money. I don't buy that, b/c he has never had a problem taking off to go to out of town concerts he really wants to see. He manages to get days off when he wants them. He works in a restaurant, and I used to, and I know that it is not that hard to ask for a day off here or there as long as you do it in advance. I understand that my brother is not at the same place as I am, and not a big "family type" of guy. However, I am his sister, and if he really loved me, he would see how important it is to me to have him there. It never fails that in order to see him, we must go out of our way to catch him on his time. Perhaps it's b/c my dad is a very selfish person that doesn't care about anyone but himself that this upsets me so much. I think what makes me more upset, though, is that my mom defends it, and says she's not bothered at all that he only talks to us when we go to him or when he needs something. Maybe it's just that it really hurts when you love someone a lot and know you would do anything for them, and they don't give a shit that you exist. Who knows...

So anyway, Mike can't go, either. Fine, he has to work. What's a little messed up is that I think he won't be at my shower, either. Marie made it co-ed just so he could be there. What's more messed up is that his ex. probably will be there, and we were never really super close. I'm sad that he can't be there, either. This is probably b/c he's been promising me for months now that he's going to come to see me one weekend (for a change). I told him about TJ's birthday party a month or so ago, and said just to come then. He seemed to think that a good idea. Tonight he acted as if he knew nothing about it, like I was asking him out of the blue three days before the event. Mabye it's just me being selfish and thinking that I am a priority to people. I guess life just gets in the way sometimes.

I'm a little mad that I don't think Ashley will come and bring Leah, too. I dropped everything at a moment's notice to haul butt down to Summerville to go to Leah's b-day party last month, and she called me the Thursday before the Sat. party. Again, I wanted to be nice and give plenty of notice. I haven't heard back from her yet, and I've called and left three messages. She promised she'd come. I guess I just feel let down, or lied to, or something....

I know this is a much bigger deal to me than it is to everyone else. To be honest, if it wasn't TJ's birthday party I wouldn't be looking forward to going, either. However, if it were someone important to me, I would find a way to be there if possible just b/c I think it would make them happy to have me there. I went to a b-day party last month where I didn't know anyone, including the kid, b/c a friend at work really wanted me to come. It wasn't fun for me. TJ had a mildly good time. I went, though, b/c I knew she'd be upset if I couldn't come. Maybe that's just me and the way I think, who knows...Maybe it's the pregnant hormones. I don't know. I just know I'm upset right now. I know that something that really upsets me is that all of these people who aren't coming didn't even bother to let me know. I'd probably be cooler with it if I had at least been extended the common courtesy of being told. Again, though, maybe that's just b/c in my mind I would like to be important to somebody...

I have to go now. Maybe it's b/c I'm home alone tonight, and I've had too much time to think. I'm sorry for the dreary post. I don't think this was my original thought idea. I just had to get this out. I hope you have a great day! I'll see you soon!